How To Save Our Precious
Democratic Republic in Ten Easy Steps
By Colorado T. Sky
worry?" -Alfred E. Neuman
As we now find ourselves staring down the
triple-barrel of another election we, as Americans, should take a
few moments and reflect on the fact that twenty-first century
Americans certainly inhabit a country far different from the
nation of two centuries ago when, in 1808, President Thomas
Jefferson's former Secretary of State, James Madison, beat George
Clinton, (who later became the first of Madison's two Vice
Presidents to die in office).
Madison, the "Father of the
Constitution," had been a delegate to the Continental
Congress from 1780-83 where the prevailing theme of his tenure
was his tireless work to limit the power of the Federal
GovernMent. How much we have learned since then!
Ah, yes. Such a Glorious GovernMent! Of the
People, By the People, For the People; a Democratic Republic,
specified, checked and balanced in its Constitution, codified in
its Laws, indomitable in its spirit! Who could fail to trust in
Still, as history has shown us, our GovernMent
is not impervious to attack. There are those enemies, foreign and
domestic, who have no qualms about taking up the gun or the pen
to assail the bulwarks of our liberty. We must protect ourselves
at all costs.
But I digress.
We must take a proactive posture and, in our
posturing, we must make sure that no foreign GovernMent can
compromise our rights as Citizens of these Glorious almost-United
(Alaska and Hawaii don't really count... nor do Guam, Samoa,
Puerto Rico, Guantanamo Bay or any of our other non-colonies
around the globe).
In the interests of maintaining our beloved
GovernMental parameters, This Reporter recommends the following
measures be immediately, unabashedly and irrevocably taken:
1) Expand the Federal GovernMent
Where our Founding Fathers wanted as little
Federal GovernMent as possible, we have evolved to the point
that, through military spending, space programs, corporate
subsidies, paying farmers not to grow and perqs for elected
officials, the Federal GovernMent now possesses the largest and
most convoluted economy in the world.
See? We're Still Number One!
After all, if they run out of money, all they
have to do is print some more.
Irregardless of charges made by malcontents
that the American civil service fiasco is the most corrupt and
convoluted system of nepotistic rewards handed out to the
resentful and otherwise unemployable offspring of the previous
generation of dysfunctional bureaucrats in the world, we must
build upon the sound base that it has established. In America
today, one person in four gets a check from some level of
GovernMent, whether they work for it or not. This is
unacceptable; by 2020, every American should be receiving a check
from the GovernMent, and not just on April 15th, either! The
economic incentive is incomprehensible! Truly, a GovernMent for
2) Elect Lawyers to All Offices
Despite the lunatic ravings of Ambrose Bierce
who, writing in his early-20th-century classic, "The Devil's
Dictionary," defines a lawyer as "one skilled in
circumventing the law," this is exactly the type of
individual we need in political office; they are expert at the
sorts of rhetorical scalawaggery, verbose obfuscation and
"sleight-of-tongue" bombast that can completely confuse
and confound our enemies, be they the Axis Powers, the Axis of
Evil or the evil Axl Rose. By speaking quickly and writing
complicatedly, they may so totally astound the average enemy pawn
that he (or she) either buys into the slick line of patter or is
so disgustedly confused that she (or he) stomps off home, deeming
that a Nation with such an incomprehensible lingua franca must
either be un-invade-able on account of its rarefied collective
intellect or so incomprehensible stupid as to be not worth
invading (see Number 4, below).
3) "Donate" all Personal Freedoms to
C'mon, folks; as busy as we are just trying to
make a living, we have neither time nor money to donate the cause
so, in having little else, let us donate that which is of
greatest value to us: Our Civil Rights. Let the GovernMent take
total control. After all, they'd never do anything against their
With every fool and his ugly twin brother
demanding one's Socialist Security number (originally
confidential between an individual, that individual's employer
and the Socialist Security Administration), they are now tossed
around so casually that we might as well go ahead and have them
tattooed in a convenient location (tattoos are cool, right?) or
barcoded on our butts.
To follow this logic, let the use of all
"legal names" be supplanted by the use of the
individuals' Socialist Security numbers. The system is bankrupt
and functionally defunct anyway, so we may as well get some
mileage out of what's left of it.
Being that there are only ten digits, this
method will expedite things for the semiliterates who find the 26
letters of the alphabet too daunting to remember in their correct
order. This will be especially helpful to those who will graduate
from what's left of Higher (let's get really higher, dude)
"Dude-ucation" and enter the Civil Service System.
After all, it's not like we have an adversarial
relationship with our GovernMent, right?
4) "Compli-zizzle the Lingo-phonics"
If we cannot dazzle them with our diamonds, let
us baffle them with our obfuscative rhetoric (see Number 2,
above) which, in many instances, has already managed to replace
content, as in such terms as "collateral losses,"
"deficit spending" and "unscheduled hard
landing," obscuring the more complicated underlying issues
with soft and cushy euphemism or sensational hyperbole. We, as a
Nation, are too busy to slog through all of that nit-picking
in-depth analysis; we need synopses delivered to our door or
laptop and we need them now!
If brevity, as Shakespeare said, is indeed
"the soul of wit," then we should insist on -and should
be entitled to- "briefings," much as the military and
CIA conduct (such briefings would mesh well with the militaristic
undertones of our non-violent cultural leitmotif, right along
with our hiking boots, backpacks and SUVs).
Concepts should be short, sweet and snappy; and
limited in length to, as an example, something that would fit on
a bumper sticker.
Remarks for public consumption should also be
painfully innocuous, lest anyone get offended and we should
further decry the inherent offensiveness of the advocates of
"plain speech." There should be no reason to address
the root of these issues if we can cover the truth with flowery,
sanitized terms. Claim "insensitivity" and shun the
writer who dares publish the truth.
In an effort to accommodate all those who would
come to this Great Land, let us contrive accommodative new
languages to use in communicating with them. These could include
such "common denominator" dialects as
"Ethiop-anese," "Canto-ranto-politan" and
5) Empower our Loyal Bureaucrats, as to take
the workload off of our Elected Officials, that they might have
more time for more Urgent Matters such as Fact-Finding Missions
to Aruba, the Bahamas and other places where they might offer
The FCC was the first GovernMent agency given
the administrative authority to enact "rules with the force
of law." As it stands now, eleven such "rules" are
enacted by unelected civil service bureaucrats for every bill
which manages to survive the grueling Frankenstein-ian constructs
of the Congressional committees and become Law through the
Constitutionally-specified process. Who can truly expect 535
legislators to get together at the same time for a single
purpose? Have you ever tried to arrange a class reunion, or even
a family reunion? Try getting even thirty people facing in the
same direction at the same time for the photo and you'll know why
we'll be so much better off if some of these bureaucrats can
relieve our Elected Officials of their burdens.
Some may say that by enabling political
appointees to dictate policy through "mandates with the
force of Law," we have given up our right to a voice in our
GovernMent and, I put it to you, My Fellow Citizens, we didn't
really have much to say anyway, did we? And even if we had, who
would have listened?
Let us be done with these Demo-publican
Futilities and on to more important matters, like finding out who
Brittany's shackin' up with this week (see Number 7, below) or
trying to get out of Jury Duty (see Number 6, below).
6) Entitle Our Citizens
Our citizens have finally been inculcated with
the notion that their mere existence is of some inestimable
value. Because of their accident of birth and singular genetic
composition (despite the fact that it has a 98% correlation with
that of a chimpanzee), they are "unique and special,"
and deserve to be pandered, catered-to and treated like the
celebrities they seek to emulate (under number 7, below). They
have finally managed subjugate contribution in favor of
consumption and they should be acknowledged for it.
Further, because of their hectic, high-stress
lifestyles, they do not always to take as much caution as they
might. The GovernMent's role here is crucial; they must be
protected them from themselves; hazards must be taken out of
their paths and their lives, as they are too busy and too special
to be expected to look out for such trivial matters. Among these
hazards should be smoking, drinking, unprescribed drugs (timed
delivery systems could be offered for those who get confused
between "one every four hours" and "four every
hour"), GPS systems and cellphones could be implanted to
keep them in constant contact while not getting lost. Shopping
carts could be equipped with airbags.
If one car in 100,000 has a mechanical flaw
which injures or kills its owner, they should all be deemed
faulty and recalled, so that no other "unique and
special" individual may ever be injured by another such an
evil machine. Satisfaction among the other 99,999 owners must be
a sign of inherent "risk-taking' tendencies and therapy
should be instituted immediately.
7) Venerate Our Heroes
Inasmuch as the actions of those serving in the
military, especially overseas, must be kept on a "need to
know" basis, it behooves us to turn our search for heroes to
places back here at home. Sports stars, for instance; who have
glowingly shown that they can take to the field under any
conditions (not counting rain delays) face any foe with dignity
(with the possible exception of a line judge) and conduct
themselves with probity and dignity off the field as well (drug
indictments and paternity suits notwithstanding).
In the immortal words of Oscar Wilde, they are
celebrities simply because they are "famous for being
well-known" and, in many cases, that's sufficient merit for
us adopt them as role models for us and our children. Thanks to
the tabloid media and the paparazzi, who put the "need"
in "need to know" regarding their lives. As a result,
we can be privy to every intimate detail of their glamorous lives
and the lives of their ugly little dogs. Inquiring minds are
entitled to know!
8) Re-prioritize the Court System
It's high time we put some teeth back in the
Seventh Amendment, which clearly states "[i]n Suits at
common law... the right of trial by jury shall be
preserved." While most citizens are clearly too busy to take
time off to be impaneled, there are options: the elderly, the
unemployed or marginally employed, mid-level civil servants and
the institutionalized (many of these can be organized like
"field trips." The house- and institution-bound need to
get out once in a while, too!). This could establish a whole new
genre: "Reality theatre."
The Seventh Amendment specifies a dollar amount
for common law cases, so it is safe to assume that anything less
than that could be considered "frivolous." Getting rid
of such suits would definitely streamline the court system, as
would replacing more heinous criminal trials with "Media
Trials." According one survey, the average Capital Murder
Case in New York costs the state GovernMent an estimated $2.5
million. By conducting these trials in the media, we could obtain
a much earlier and much surer verdict (it may not be correct, but
it would be certain). This would also free up more judges and
more court employees to handle allegedly "victimless"
criminal prosecutions, such as prostitution, gambling and smoking
pot. To refer to the previous "dollar amount," clause,
above, we should also make the courts self-sufficient, requiring
them to generate sufficient capital to cover their operating
costs. As an incentive to enforce this policy, judges could be
paid on commission. Further income may be generated by offering
broadcast rights to particularly notorious trials (and even
executions) to Pay Per View or other networks.
Many malcontents claim that our system of
GovernMent is leaning towards Plutocracy (formally defined as
GovernMent by the wealthy), which is as it should be; they didn't
get to be millionaires by being idiots and we should trust their
9) Replace Reason with Knee-Jerk Reactions
Face facts, folks; thinking takes a lot of
work. While we may enjoy burning those few calories that a little
intellectual romp around the ol' Funk and Wagnall's might avail
us, the fact is that most of us don't get enough Omega-3 fatty
lipoids to be any good at it.
The solution? Give it up!
Heed the words of those who promulgate the
D.A.R.E. program, maintaining that "if we keep one child off
drugs, then any expenditure is worth it!" The same school of
thought (pardon the pun) may be applied to our educational
systems; "if we can teach one child to read, any educational
expenditure is worth it!"
Take it the next logical step: if we can solve
a problem with a knee-jerk reaction, why should we waste time,
energy and brain power considering the alleged merits of any
case? Quit thinking: get on with your life! C'mon, people, who
really reads anymore anyway?
We can get all the actual factual information
we need from Robin Meade (who does it better and looks better
doing it) without having to turn pages, sound out vowels and
renew our subscriptions. If the Free Press can't be trusted, then
By applying this reasoning to the education
system we can be guaranteed of further improvement: despite
declining abilities (and a marked dearth of familiarity with both
classic and contemporary literature, basic mathematical ability
and critical or analytical thinking skills), grades have been
paradoxically improving over the past couple of decades, leading
to a marked increase in self-esteem among students and, really,
isn't that what it's really all about? There are few skills
required (in this hyper-technological age) that cannot be
acquired by diligent practice on their I-pods, No-friend-o
systems and vid-iot games downloadable from cyberspace, so why
bother with the intricacies of the Classics which they're not
going to understand anyway?
While some may claim that colleges and
universities are exploiting adjunct (part-time) faculty for the
sake of padding monstrous administrative salaries, it is the
administrators who are truly directing these policies and should
be rewarded for it. Gone are the days of administrators as
support personnel for the faculty (who aren't teaching the little
buggers anything anyway)
10) Supplant GovernMent with Corporations
While our Elected Officials (especially in the
Federal GovernMent) are the very best that money can buy, they
are not educated, trained or oriented in their positions with an
eye to the bottom line. Basically, GovernMental managers are not
inherently "bottom liners," concerned primary with
profit as a motive for performance (see Number 8, above).
To correct this deficiency, we should consider
the prospect of handing the "profit-related" functions
over to the Corporations. The have already demonstrated their
ability to assume GovernMental functions (take for example the
privatization of various correctional systems, turnpike
authorities and bureaus of motor vehicles nationwide). Their
expertise should be recognized and rewarded; let those who are
capable of complex management do so, thus allowing GovernMent to
get on with the business of GovernMent.
Corporations (much to the chagrin of the more
vocal liberal factions) are not inherently adversarial to the
American Way of Life; it is not actually the corporations but
individual people with huge financial resources who simply use
corporations for their purposes. They are called
"stockholders" and, in the worst-case scenarios, can
actually overrule the Chairman of the Board's well-considered
decisions just for the meager greed of their own personal agenda.
...and, in conclusion, ...
C'mon, people! The time is Now! We must strike
while the iron is hot! We must ignore all the ignominious
partisan propaganda and decide, as well-informed and
well-intentioned citizens, what is right for us and for Our
Beloved Democratic Republic!
Put you own needs aside: you didn't need 'em
much anyway. So let's cut the shite and make this country
everything it wants to be, whether we want it to be that or not.
By following these few simple recommendations,
we can streamline our GovernMent, avail ourselves of privileges
hitherto undiscovered (in exchange for a few human and civil
rights that we weren't using anyway) and be treated by our fellow
citizens and our GovernMent the way we deserve to be.
After all, we have nothing to fear from our