How To Save Our Precious Democratic Republic in Ten Easy Steps

By Colorado T. Sky

 

"What, me worry?" -Alfred E. Neuman

As we now find ourselves staring down the triple-barrel of another election we, as Americans, should take a few moments and reflect on the fact that twenty-first century Americans certainly inhabit a country far different from the nation of two centuries ago when, in 1808, President Thomas Jefferson's former Secretary of State, James Madison, beat George Clinton, (who later became the first of Madison's two Vice Presidents to die in office).

Madison, the "Father of the Constitution," had been a delegate to the Continental Congress from 1780-83 where the prevailing theme of his tenure was his tireless work to limit the power of the Federal GovernMent. How much we have learned since then!

Ah, yes. Such a Glorious GovernMent! Of the People, By the People, For the People; a Democratic Republic, specified, checked and balanced in its Constitution, codified in its Laws, indomitable in its spirit! Who could fail to trust in it?

Still, as history has shown us, our GovernMent is not impervious to attack. There are those enemies, foreign and domestic, who have no qualms about taking up the gun or the pen to assail the bulwarks of our liberty. We must protect ourselves at all costs.

But I digress.

We must take a proactive posture and, in our posturing, we must make sure that no foreign GovernMent can compromise our rights as Citizens of these Glorious almost-United (Alaska and Hawaii don't really count... nor do Guam, Samoa, Puerto Rico, Guantanamo Bay or any of our other non-colonies around the globe).

In the interests of maintaining our beloved GovernMental parameters, This Reporter recommends the following measures be immediately, unabashedly and irrevocably taken:

1) Expand the Federal GovernMent

Where our Founding Fathers wanted as little Federal GovernMent as possible, we have evolved to the point that, through military spending, space programs, corporate subsidies, paying farmers not to grow and perqs for elected officials, the Federal GovernMent now possesses the largest and most convoluted economy in the world.

See? We're Still Number One!

After all, if they run out of money, all they have to do is print some more.

Irregardless of charges made by malcontents that the American civil service fiasco is the most corrupt and convoluted system of nepotistic rewards handed out to the resentful and otherwise unemployable offspring of the previous generation of dysfunctional bureaucrats in the world, we must build upon the sound base that it has established. In America today, one person in four gets a check from some level of GovernMent, whether they work for it or not. This is unacceptable; by 2020, every American should be receiving a check from the GovernMent, and not just on April 15th, either! The economic incentive is incomprehensible! Truly, a GovernMent for the People!

2) Elect Lawyers to All Offices

Despite the lunatic ravings of Ambrose Bierce who, writing in his early-20th-century classic, "The Devil's Dictionary," defines a lawyer as "one skilled in circumventing the law," this is exactly the type of individual we need in political office; they are expert at the sorts of rhetorical scalawaggery, verbose obfuscation and "sleight-of-tongue" bombast that can completely confuse and confound our enemies, be they the Axis Powers, the Axis of Evil or the evil Axl Rose. By speaking quickly and writing complicatedly, they may so totally astound the average enemy pawn that he (or she) either buys into the slick line of patter or is so disgustedly confused that she (or he) stomps off home, deeming that a Nation with such an incomprehensible lingua franca must either be un-invade-able on account of its rarefied collective intellect or so incomprehensible stupid as to be not worth invading (see Number 4, below).

3) "Donate" all Personal Freedoms to The Cause.

C'mon, folks; as busy as we are just trying to make a living, we have neither time nor money to donate the cause so, in having little else, let us donate that which is of greatest value to us: Our Civil Rights. Let the GovernMent take total control. After all, they'd never do anything against their own citizenry.

With every fool and his ugly twin brother demanding one's Socialist Security number (originally confidential between an individual, that individual's employer and the Socialist Security Administration), they are now tossed around so casually that we might as well go ahead and have them tattooed in a convenient location (tattoos are cool, right?) or barcoded on our butts.

To follow this logic, let the use of all "legal names" be supplanted by the use of the individuals' Socialist Security numbers. The system is bankrupt and functionally defunct anyway, so we may as well get some mileage out of what's left of it.

Being that there are only ten digits, this method will expedite things for the semiliterates who find the 26 letters of the alphabet too daunting to remember in their correct order. This will be especially helpful to those who will graduate from what's left of Higher (let's get really higher, dude) "Dude-ucation" and enter the Civil Service System.

After all, it's not like we have an adversarial relationship with our GovernMent, right?

4) "Compli-zizzle the Lingo-phonics"

If we cannot dazzle them with our diamonds, let us baffle them with our obfuscative rhetoric (see Number 2, above) which, in many instances, has already managed to replace content, as in such terms as "collateral losses," "deficit spending" and "unscheduled hard landing," obscuring the more complicated underlying issues with soft and cushy euphemism or sensational hyperbole. We, as a Nation, are too busy to slog through all of that nit-picking in-depth analysis; we need synopses delivered to our door or laptop and we need them now!

If brevity, as Shakespeare said, is indeed "the soul of wit," then we should insist on -and should be entitled to- "briefings," much as the military and CIA conduct (such briefings would mesh well with the militaristic undertones of our non-violent cultural leitmotif, right along with our hiking boots, backpacks and SUVs).

Concepts should be short, sweet and snappy; and limited in length to, as an example, something that would fit on a bumper sticker.

Remarks for public consumption should also be painfully innocuous, lest anyone get offended and we should further decry the inherent offensiveness of the advocates of "plain speech." There should be no reason to address the root of these issues if we can cover the truth with flowery, sanitized terms. Claim "insensitivity" and shun the writer who dares publish the truth.

In an effort to accommodate all those who would come to this Great Land, let us contrive accommodative new languages to use in communicating with them. These could include such "common denominator" dialects as "Ethiop-anese," "Canto-ranto-politan" and "Kinda-like-ish-esque-ian."

5) Empower our Loyal Bureaucrats, as to take the workload off of our Elected Officials, that they might have more time for more Urgent Matters such as Fact-Finding Missions to Aruba, the Bahamas and other places where they might offer help.

The FCC was the first GovernMent agency given the administrative authority to enact "rules with the force of law." As it stands now, eleven such "rules" are enacted by unelected civil service bureaucrats for every bill which manages to survive the grueling Frankenstein-ian constructs of the Congressional committees and become Law through the Constitutionally-specified process. Who can truly expect 535 legislators to get together at the same time for a single purpose? Have you ever tried to arrange a class reunion, or even a family reunion? Try getting even thirty people facing in the same direction at the same time for the photo and you'll know why we'll be so much better off if some of these bureaucrats can relieve our Elected Officials of their burdens.

Some may say that by enabling political appointees to dictate policy through "mandates with the force of Law," we have given up our right to a voice in our GovernMent and, I put it to you, My Fellow Citizens, we didn't really have much to say anyway, did we? And even if we had, who would have listened?

Let us be done with these Demo-publican Futilities and on to more important matters, like finding out who Brittany's shackin' up with this week (see Number 7, below) or trying to get out of Jury Duty (see Number 6, below).

6) Entitle Our Citizens

Our citizens have finally been inculcated with the notion that their mere existence is of some inestimable value. Because of their accident of birth and singular genetic composition (despite the fact that it has a 98% correlation with that of a chimpanzee), they are "unique and special," and deserve to be pandered, catered-to and treated like the celebrities they seek to emulate (under number 7, below). They have finally managed subjugate contribution in favor of consumption and they should be acknowledged for it.

Further, because of their hectic, high-stress lifestyles, they do not always to take as much caution as they might. The GovernMent's role here is crucial; they must be protected them from themselves; hazards must be taken out of their paths and their lives, as they are too busy and too special to be expected to look out for such trivial matters. Among these hazards should be smoking, drinking, unprescribed drugs (timed delivery systems could be offered for those who get confused between "one every four hours" and "four every hour"), GPS systems and cellphones could be implanted to keep them in constant contact while not getting lost. Shopping carts could be equipped with airbags.

If one car in 100,000 has a mechanical flaw which injures or kills its owner, they should all be deemed faulty and recalled, so that no other "unique and special" individual may ever be injured by another such an evil machine. Satisfaction among the other 99,999 owners must be a sign of inherent "risk-taking' tendencies and therapy should be instituted immediately.

7) Venerate Our Heroes

Inasmuch as the actions of those serving in the military, especially overseas, must be kept on a "need to know" basis, it behooves us to turn our search for heroes to places back here at home. Sports stars, for instance; who have glowingly shown that they can take to the field under any conditions (not counting rain delays) face any foe with dignity (with the possible exception of a line judge) and conduct themselves with probity and dignity off the field as well (drug indictments and paternity suits notwithstanding).

In the immortal words of Oscar Wilde, they are celebrities simply because they are "famous for being well-known" and, in many cases, that's sufficient merit for us adopt them as role models for us and our children. Thanks to the tabloid media and the paparazzi, who put the "need" in "need to know" regarding their lives. As a result, we can be privy to every intimate detail of their glamorous lives and the lives of their ugly little dogs. Inquiring minds are entitled to know!

8) Re-prioritize the Court System

It's high time we put some teeth back in the Seventh Amendment, which clearly states "[i]n Suits at common law... the right of trial by jury shall be preserved." While most citizens are clearly too busy to take time off to be impaneled, there are options: the elderly, the unemployed or marginally employed, mid-level civil servants and the institutionalized (many of these can be organized like "field trips." The house- and institution-bound need to get out once in a while, too!). This could establish a whole new genre: "Reality theatre."

The Seventh Amendment specifies a dollar amount for common law cases, so it is safe to assume that anything less than that could be considered "frivolous." Getting rid of such suits would definitely streamline the court system, as would replacing more heinous criminal trials with "Media Trials." According one survey, the average Capital Murder Case in New York costs the state GovernMent an estimated $2.5 million. By conducting these trials in the media, we could obtain a much earlier and much surer verdict (it may not be correct, but it would be certain). This would also free up more judges and more court employees to handle allegedly "victimless" criminal prosecutions, such as prostitution, gambling and smoking pot. To refer to the previous "dollar amount," clause, above, we should also make the courts self-sufficient, requiring them to generate sufficient capital to cover their operating costs. As an incentive to enforce this policy, judges could be paid on commission. Further income may be generated by offering broadcast rights to particularly notorious trials (and even executions) to Pay Per View or other networks.

Many malcontents claim that our system of GovernMent is leaning towards Plutocracy (formally defined as GovernMent by the wealthy), which is as it should be; they didn't get to be millionaires by being idiots and we should trust their judgement.

9) Replace Reason with Knee-Jerk Reactions

Face facts, folks; thinking takes a lot of work. While we may enjoy burning those few calories that a little intellectual romp around the ol' Funk and Wagnall's might avail us, the fact is that most of us don't get enough Omega-3 fatty lipoids to be any good at it.

The solution? Give it up!

Heed the words of those who promulgate the D.A.R.E. program, maintaining that "if we keep one child off drugs, then any expenditure is worth it!" The same school of thought (pardon the pun) may be applied to our educational systems; "if we can teach one child to read, any educational expenditure is worth it!"

Take it the next logical step: if we can solve a problem with a knee-jerk reaction, why should we waste time, energy and brain power considering the alleged merits of any case? Quit thinking: get on with your life! C'mon, people, who really reads anymore anyway?

We can get all the actual factual information we need from Robin Meade (who does it better and looks better doing it) without having to turn pages, sound out vowels and renew our subscriptions. If the Free Press can't be trusted, then who can?

By applying this reasoning to the education system we can be guaranteed of further improvement: despite declining abilities (and a marked dearth of familiarity with both classic and contemporary literature, basic mathematical ability and critical or analytical thinking skills), grades have been paradoxically improving over the past couple of decades, leading to a marked increase in self-esteem among students and, really, isn't that what it's really all about? There are few skills required (in this hyper-technological age) that cannot be acquired by diligent practice on their I-pods, No-friend-o systems and vid-iot games downloadable from cyberspace, so why bother with the intricacies of the Classics which they're not going to understand anyway?

While some may claim that colleges and universities are exploiting adjunct (part-time) faculty for the sake of padding monstrous administrative salaries, it is the administrators who are truly directing these policies and should be rewarded for it. Gone are the days of administrators as support personnel for the faculty (who aren't teaching the little buggers anything anyway)

10) Supplant GovernMent with Corporations Wherever Possible

While our Elected Officials (especially in the Federal GovernMent) are the very best that money can buy, they are not educated, trained or oriented in their positions with an eye to the bottom line. Basically, GovernMental managers are not inherently "bottom liners," concerned primary with profit as a motive for performance (see Number 8, above).

To correct this deficiency, we should consider the prospect of handing the "profit-related" functions over to the Corporations. The have already demonstrated their ability to assume GovernMental functions (take for example the privatization of various correctional systems, turnpike authorities and bureaus of motor vehicles nationwide). Their expertise should be recognized and rewarded; let those who are capable of complex management do so, thus allowing GovernMent to get on with the business of GovernMent.

Corporations (much to the chagrin of the more vocal liberal factions) are not inherently adversarial to the American Way of Life; it is not actually the corporations but individual people with huge financial resources who simply use corporations for their purposes. They are called "stockholders" and, in the worst-case scenarios, can actually overrule the Chairman of the Board's well-considered decisions just for the meager greed of their own personal agenda.

...and, in conclusion, ...

C'mon, people! The time is Now! We must strike while the iron is hot! We must ignore all the ignominious partisan propaganda and decide, as well-informed and well-intentioned citizens, what is right for us and for Our Beloved Democratic Republic!

Put you own needs aside: you didn't need 'em much anyway. So let's cut the shite and make this country everything it wants to be, whether we want it to be that or not.

By following these few simple recommendations, we can streamline our GovernMent, avail ourselves of privileges hitherto undiscovered (in exchange for a few human and civil rights that we weren't using anyway) and be treated by our fellow citizens and our GovernMent the way we deserve to be.

After all, we have nothing to fear from our GovernMent, right?